


swing on over

by crypticgemini



Series: you have (1) new notification [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Bisexual Michelle Jones, Bisexual Peter Parker, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Implied IronDad, Light Angst, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Slice of Life, Texting, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Michelle Jones, Trans Peter Parker, like 15 percent of my ideas come from funny texts on pinterest, teenagers being teenagers, text fic, this fic is mj and peter centric btw, we stan a mlm and wlw solidarity friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-01-11 19:17:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18430409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crypticgemini/pseuds/crypticgemini
Summary: parkour: hypothetically how long do you think it would take me to binge watch 14 seasons of a showMJ: Aren’t you currently out on patrol?parkour: answer the questionMJ: You shouldn’t binge watch 14 seasons of a show.parkour: a cowards answerMJ: Go save the city, arachnid boy.-Peter and MJ text each other back and forth on the regular. These are some of their chat logs.





	1. wounds and trans tips

**Author's Note:**

> hey!! this isn't going to have an actual plot or anything. it's just them being little shits back and forth

**Saturday 8:27 PM**

 

**parkour:** hey so uh

 

**parkour:** i may or may not have just done a stupid

 

 

**MJ:** Everything you do is stupid.

 

**MJ:** What did you do this time, dumbass?

 

 

**parkour:** so you know that homework that mr darcy gave us

 

**parkour:** the one about that one president guy thats due one monday morning

 

**parkour:** the one thats printed on paper and takes so many hit points of water damage if it touches water

 

 

**MJ:** Never use that nerd reference ever again.

 

**MJ:** But yeah, the homework, what about it?

 

**MJ:** Oh my god you dropped it in water, didn’t you? And now you can’t read the questions properly?

 

 

**parkour:** am i that predictable

 

 

**MJ:** Yes.

 

 

**parkour:** dont answer that

 

**parkour:** shit okay wow thats hurtful even if its true

 

**parkour:** but haha yeah… can you send a pic of the questions so i can stealthily print a fake copy out so mr darcy doesnt yell at me for not doing the homework and then kick me out of his class

 

 

**MJ:** He wouldn’t kick you out of the class.

 

**MJ:** He would try his hardest to get you kicked out of the school, though.

 

 

**parkour:** PLEASE DONT DO THIS TO ME MICHELLE

 

 

**_MJ attached a file: dumbass.png_ **

 

 

**MJ:** Don’t fuck up this time, Parker.

 

 

**parkour:** thank you!!!!! and no promises

 

 

**Sunday 9:39 AM**

 

**_parkour attached a file: remember to eat breakfast.png_ **

 

**MJ:** Is that a ketchup smiley face on an omelette?

 

 

**parkour:** ya

 

 

**MJ:** Nice.

 

 

**Monday 1:15 PM**

 

**MJ:** Need a trans tip.

 

 

**parkour:** aight shoot

 

 

**MJ:** Is it socially acceptable to sit with my legs spread out? 

 

**MJ:** Not that I give a shit about what’s socially acceptable and what isn’t.

 

**MJ:** But sometimes a girl just wants to pass more in public.

 

 

**parkour:** its socially acceptable but you might get a rare instance of a jackass going “thats not ladylike” and then you can punch them

 

 

**MJ:** Fuck yeah.

 

**MJ:** Love punching people.

 

**MJ:** Thanks, dork.

 

 

**parkour:** youre welcome!!

 

**parkour:** also i know youre in science class right now so you better start paying attention

 

 

**MJ:** Shut up

 

 

**Tuesday 12:24 PM**

 

**_MJ attached a file: lmao you trippin.png_ **

 

 

**parkour:** STOP

 

**parkour:** THE FLOOR WAS WET AND I WASNT EXPECTING IT

 

 

**MJ:** Sure.

 

 

**parkour:** i hate you

 

 

**MJ:** No you don’t.

 

 

**parkour:** no i dont

 

**parkour:** but youre on thin fucking ice michelle

 

 

**_MJ attached a file: the squeakquel.png_ **

 

 

**MJ:** I’d be scared if it weren’t for your awful memory.

 

**MJ:** I’ll let the custodian know that the area needs a wet floor sign because some dumbass slipped twice.

 

 

**Tuesday 2:08 PM**

 

**parkour:** wait why do you know how to spell the squeakquel

 

 

**MJ:** Lucky guess.

 

 

**parkour:** haha okay ;)

 

 

**MJ:** Don’t.

 

 

**Tuesday 4:56 PM**

 

**parkour:** alvin and the chipmunks: the squeakquel has one star on rotten tomatoes

 

**parkour:** huh

 

**parkour:** oh shit the guy who voices simon is lowkey cute

 

**parkour:** oh shit x 2 that guy also plays a character on that one fbi show that has like a trillion seasons

 

 

**MJ:** The duality of man.

 

 

**parkour:** truly!

 

 

**Tuesday 8:50 PM**

 

**parkour:** hypothetically how long do you think it would take me to binge watch 14 seasons of a show

 

 

**MJ:** Aren’t you currently out on patrol?

 

 

**parkour:** answer the question

 

 

**MJ:** You shouldn’t binge watch 14 seasons of a show.

 

 

**parkour:** a cowards answer

 

 

**MJ:** Go save the city, arachnid boy.

 

 

**Wednesday 4:36 AM**

 

**parkour:** im halfway through season 1 of criminal minds

 

 

**MJ:** Jesus Christ you woke me up for that?

 

**MJ:** Is it a good show so far?

 

  
  
**parkour:** yea

 

 

**MJ:** Stop watching it.

 

 

**parkour:**?????

 

 

**MJ:** Want to make it a hangout show?

 

 

**parkour:**!!!!!! HELL YEAH

 

**parkour:** come over after school today and i’ll restart season 1 for us

 

**parkour:** you can sleep over too if you wanna!! aunt may loves having you around

 

 

**MJ:** Sweet. I’m going to get another hour of sleep. Don’t wake me again.

 

 

**Thursday 5:20 PM**

 

**_parkour changed MJ’s nickname to Agent Greenaway_ **

 

**_parkour changed parkour’s nickname to Dr. Reid_ **

 

 

**Agent Greenaway:** You aren’t smart enough to be Spencer Reid.

 

 

**Dr. Reid:** he has an IQ of 187!!! mine is like… 150 or something

 

 

**_Agent Greenaway changed Dr. Reid’s nickname to Dumb Boy_ **

 

**_Agent Greenaway changed  Agent Greenaway’s nickname to MJ_ **

 

 

**MJ:** That’s more accurate.

 

**MJ:** No character can ever sum me up properly.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** this hurts because its true

 

 

**MJ:** Suffer.

 

 

**Friday 7:04 PM**

 

**Dumb Boy:** MJ I GOT KAREN TO SAY YEET

 

 

**MJ:** Karen?

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** the AI inside the spidey suit

 

 

**MJ:** It’s name is Karen?

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** yes HER name is karen shes a wonderful lady i named her myself

 

 

**MJ:** Did you name the highly advanced AI that lives inside your high-tech superhero onesie hand created by Tony Stark himself after your deadname?

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** maybe

 

**Dumb Boy:** but now i think of karen as a good thing because shes super chill and i love her

 

 

**MJ:** Oh, that’s actually kind of smart.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** YEAH AND IVE TRAINED HER TO SAY YEET WHENEVER I THROW SOMEONE

 

 

**MJ:** Never mind.

 

**MJ:** You’re back to being dumb.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** this is so transphobic karen play despacito

 

 

**MJ:** You are incorrigible.

 

 

**Friday 11:36 PM**

 

**MJ:** Are you okay?

 

**MJ:** News articles online are saying you got shot

 

**MJ:** Peter?

 

**MJ:** Peter I swear to fucking god if you do not answer me in the next 10 minues Im going to walk into Starks stupid fucking tower and demamd he find you

 

 

**Saturday 12:07 AM**

 

**Dumb Boy:** hey sorry

 

**Dumb Boy:** im okay!! dont worry about it

 

 

**MJ:** Shut the fuck up Parker

 

**MJ:** Where the hell did you get shot?

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** it just grazed me in a non-vital area dont worry about it itll heal completely by dinner tomorrow

 

**Dumb Boy:** did i worry you so much that you spelled two whole words wrong

 

**Dumb Boy:** you… michelle “words are the most expressive language” jones

 

 

**Saturday 4:02 AM**

 

**Dumb Boy:** im sorry

 

 

**MJ:** Don’t let it happen again, dumb boy.

 

**MJ:** I know I don’t act like it often, but I do actually worry about you out there.

 

**MJ:** When I hear that you’ve been shot and then you don’t respond for over half an hour I’m going to assume the worst.

 

**MJ:** I got scared.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** want me to swing over there for a little bit?

 

 

**MJ:** Will it hurt your bullet wound?

 

 

**Dumb Boy** : nah it just grazed my calf area a little bit and ive already bandaged it

 

**Dumb Boy:** dont need my calf muscles to swing

 

 

**MJ:** I’ll leave my bedroom window open.

 

**MJ:** Don’t make too much noise on your way in.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** on my way

 

**Dumb Boy:** also do you like red, purple, or yellow more?

 

 

**MJ:** Purple?

 

  
**Dumb Boy:** good to know

 

 

**_Dumb Boy attached a file: i appreciate you.png_ **

 

 

**MJ:** Oh my god

 

**MJ:** Flowers? The most cliche make up gift to give a girl in the world?

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** is it okay? i can probably return them if you want

 

 

**MJ:** Don’t you fucking dare. I love them already. I’ll get a vase ready.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** :D

 

**Dumb Boy:** okay im on my way again i should be there in a minute or two

 

 

**MJ:** I’m pulling up Criminal Minds on my laptop for us.

 

 

**Monday 10:35 AM**

 

**Dumb Boy:** need a trans tip pls

 

 

**MJ:** Shoot.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** do guys still get made fun of for wearing pink

 

**Dumb Boy:** because im really warm in my hoodie but i just remembered im wearing a pink shirt underneath it

 

 

**MJ:** Not really, but if someone does make fun of you for wearing a color then let me know because I will absolutely beat the shit out of them.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** nice

 

**Dumb Boy:** thank you

 

**Dumb Boy:** also ned says hes with you on the “beating the shit out of them” thing

 

 

**MJ:** Ned is the truest ally in these trenches.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** DAMN STRAIGHT

 

 

**Tuesday 4:23 PM**

 

**MJ:** The podcast I’m listening to just got onto the topic of superheroes and one of the people in the group piped up and said “Spider-Man is HOT” so now my day is ruined.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** oh my god!!!

 

**Dumb Boy:** i have reached my peak

 

**Dumb Boy:** finally… im hot

 

 

**MJ:** The group just told them off because everyone else is like 98% sure you’re a kid based off of your voice.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** FUCK

 

 

**MJ:** Get rekt, kid.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** YOURE THE SAME AGE AS ME SHUT UP

 

**Dumb Boy:** i should probably ask mr stark to help me install a better voice disguiser

 

 

**MJ:** What, is the interrogation mode not good enough for you?

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** how the hell do you know about interrogation mode????????

 

 

**MJ:** Boy, someone caught you using it by accident on video and you actually yelled “NO, TURN OFF INTERROGATION MODE” in the deepest fucking voice possible.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** oh damn

 

**Dumb Boy:** i need to pay more attention to the media surrounding me

 

 

**MJ:** That’s a good idea.

 

 

**Tuesday 5:03 PM**

 

**MJ:** I just realized I’ve never asked. Is there a binder built into the suit? You look pretty flat in it.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** are you going to kill me if i say no

 

 

**MJ:** YES.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** then no comment

 

 

**MJ:** YOU ABSOLUTE DUMBASS. ARE YOU FIGHTING CRIME IN A BINDER EVERY DAY?

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** no comment

 

 

**MJ:** YOU DO KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS, RIGHT?

 

**MJ:** I do not CARE how fast you heal. You need to tell that rich man to make a safe binder and whip out his goddamn sewing machine for you.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** im pretty sure he knows im trans but like… i dont want to say anything about it in case he just hasnt bothered to look into my childhood or hasnt bothered to look at any of my medical shit

 

 

**MJ:** You really think he would let you continue to be Spider-Man without knowing your whole ass medical history first?

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** good point, but have you considered

 

**Dumb Boy:** im currently sipping that good good anxietea

 

 

**MJ:** Peter, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give a shit if you’re cis or not.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** but how do you KNOW

 

 

**_MJ has attached a file: Tony Stark Attends Pride 1995.png_ **

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** oh shit

 

 

**MJ:** You’ll be fine.

 

**MJ:** Plus, if he DOES say anything about it, I have two fists and I am ready to throw down with that metal armor of his.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** do not do that youll break your hands

 

 

**MJ:** Then so be it.

 

 

**Dumb Boy:** gasp

 

**Dumb Boy:** my hero

 

 

**Tuesday 9:25 PM**

 

**Dumb Boy:** hes looking into making a safer binder to put into the suit

 

 

**_MJ changed Dumb Boy’s nickname to Crippling Anxietea._ **

 

 

**Crippling Anxietea:** yeah thats fair

 

 

**MJ:** Do you think he’ll look into mass producing them? That kind of thing would sell quickly in the trans community.

 

 

**Crippling Anxietea:** ill ask him to if it turns out good!!!

 

 

**Thursday 11:42 AM**

 

**_Crippling Anxietea has changed Crippling Anxietea’s nickname to Peter._ **

 

 

**MJ:** Flash deadnamed you again, didn’t he?

 

 

**Peter:** he didnt mean to

 

**Peter:** i think

 

**Peter:** hes not that much of an asshole

 

**Peter:** i think

 

**Peter:** i just need the physical reminder that my name is peter and that im accepted as peter

 

 

**MJ:** Damn right, Peter.

 

 

**Thursday 1:32 PM**

 

**Peter:** you didn’t have to corner him at lunch

 

**Peter:** but thank you

 

 

**Michelle:** No problem, my dude.

 

 

**Friday 7:46 AM**

 

**Peter:** do you wanna come over after school to binge more criminal minds

 

 

**MJ:** Only if we can stop at the store before we reach your place so I can pick up stuff to make cupcakes.

 

**MJ:** We can bake with your laptop on one of the counters.

 

 

**Peter:** god you are a fucking genius yes

 

**Peter:** ive got an extra bit of change so im going to add sprinkles to the cart

 

 

**MJ:** Only if they’re the star shaped ones.

 

 

**Peter:** obviously???? im not a monster

 

**Peter:** sprinkles that arent star shaped exist in a lawless land

 

 

**MJ:** Correct.

 

 

**Friday 8:03 AM**

 

**Peter:** may says we have to make sure there are at least two cupcakes left for her

 

 

**MJ:** Anything for Aunt May.

 

 

**Peter:** sometimes its like you love aunt may more than me

 

 

**MJ:** She’s iconic.

 

 

**Peter:** okay yeah thats fair shes kinda an icon

 

 

**MJ:** She is a beacon of femininity in my eyes.

 

**MJ:** Whenever I’m at a crossroads of what to do as a girl, I ask myself,

 

**MJ:** WWAMD? (What Would Aunt May Do?)

 

**MJ:** And I always make the right choice.

 

 

**Peter:** i just told her that and shes laughing but there are tears in her eyes so i think she loves it

 

**Peter:** you have just been crowned an honorary parker

 

 

**MJ:** Incredible. Just as I so rightfully deserve.

 

**MJ:** To now be related to May Parker herself is an honour and I am grateful.

 

 

**Peter:** and me too

 

 

**MJ:** I suppose.

 

 

**Peter:** :(

 

 

**MJ:** Okay, fine, you too.

 

 

**Peter:** :)

 

 

**MJ:** Wait, are you still at home?

 

 

**Peter:** ya why?

 

 

**MJ:** Dude, you’re going to be late for school.

 

 

**Peter:** nah

 

 

**MJ:** Explain.

 

 

**_Peter has attached a file: webshooters.png_ **

 

 

**Peter:** imma swing

 

 

**MJ:** God, your life is so weird.

 

 

**Peter:** sounds like someone is jealous they cant swing across new york

 

 

**MJ:** No, because I know I could blackmail you into giving me a lift if I wanted to.

 

 

**Peter:** you cant blackmail me

 

 

**MJ:** Remember the time you went to one of Flash’s parties and got a little tipsy because someone spiked one of the drinks?

 

 

**_MJ has attached a file: You Good Parker?.mp4_ **

 

 

**Peter:** when do you want your lift

 

 

**MJ:** I’ll save it for a rainy day.


	2. patrol and field trips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah.... i did the cliche field trip.... but in my defence!! im a sucker for that cliche okay?

**Monday 10:46 AM**

 

**Peter:** did i hear mr harrington right

 

**Peter:** because it sounded like he said we were going to stark industries for our field trip next week

 

 

**MJ:** You have heightened senses and can probably hear my heartbeat right now.

 

 

**Peter:** i totally cant

 

 

**MJ:** You heard him correctly.

 

 

**Peter:** fuck

 

**Peter:** flash is gonna have a field day with this

 

 

**MJ:** Literally.

 

 

**Peter:** stop

 

**Peter:** you think i can fake sickness to get out of it?

 

 

**MJ:** What are you, a coward?

 

 

**Peter:** i once kicked a gun out of some guys hand and realized he had a knife in the other so i kicked that hand too

 

 

**MJ:** Sounds like you’re a coward.

 

**MJ:** Also, oh my god, please never tell me those things. That’s fucking terrifying.

 

 

**Peter:** im gonna fake mono

 

 

**MJ:** Good luck with that. Now pay attention to class.

 

 

**Peter:** but i already know all this

 

 

**MJ:** Then let ME pay attention to class.

 

 

**Peter:** damn aight

 

 

**Monday 2:27 PM**

 

**Peter:** wanna come over after school and watch ned do his guy in the chair stuff

 

 

**MJ:** I mean, not really how I expected to spend my Monday afternoon but, yeah sure.

 

 

**Peter:** lit

 

 

**MJ:** Blocked.

 

 

**Peter:** we talk to each other like we’re on walkie talkies

 

**Peter:** its awesome

 

 

**MJ:** I will absolutely not be partaking in this tradition.

 

 

**Peter:** …… bruh

 

 

**MJ:** You want to try that shit again?

 

 

**Peter:** no ma’am sorry ma’am

 

 

**MJ:** That’s what I fucking thought, hoe

 

 

**_Peter has attached a file: Surprised Pikachu.png_ **

 

 

**MJ:** I know what I said and I meant it.

 

 

**Monday 4:58 PM**

 

**P: “** _This is Spider-Man, paging in, over.”_

 

**N: “** _Hello, Spider-Man! This is your Guy in the Chair, registering your activity, over.”_

 

**M: “** _I hate both of you nerds.”_

 

**P: “** _MJ you gotta register your codename and say “over” when you’re done, over.”_

 

**M:** _“Absolutely not.”_

 

**N:** _“Come on. You’ve got to. It’s the law, over.”_

 

**M:** _“What are you, a cop? Step off.”_

 

**P:** _“...Please? Over.”_

 

**M:** _“I hate that I could hear your stupid puppy dog frown in your voice.”_

 

**M:** _“Fine, this is Miss Keisha, over.”_

 

**N:** _“WOO! Over.”_

 

**P:** _“Thank you! Over.”_

 

**M:** _“I hate this fucking family, over.”_

 

**P:** _“Ah, but you admit that we’re a family, over.”_

 

**N:** _“Did you just quote a vine? Over.”_

 

**M:** _“Ned, my codename is literally from a vine.”_

 

**N:** _“Over.”_ _  
_

 

**M:** _“Over. Fine. Over.”_

 

**P:** _“Oh my fuckin’ god, she fuckin’ dead, over.”_

 

**N:** _“Don’t curse as Spider-Man! You have a reputation to uphold in the eyes of children everywhere, over.”_

 

**M:** _“He yelled fuck when he fell out of a tree last week, over.”_

 

**P:** _“Hey! Don’t out me… over.”_

 

**N:** “Yo! _Spider-Man! Police reports are coming in saying there's a robbery in progress near you. I’m sending the directions to Karen now, over.”_

 

**P:** _“Got ‘em. Thanks, over.”_

 

**M:** _“I’m kind of thankful for the fact that I don’t have to watch you do this shit. I just have to listen to it. Over.”_

 

**N:** _“Oh! I forgot to pull up the visuals. Those are the BEST PART!”_

 

**M:** _“Oh my god.”_

 

**M:** _“PETER. THAT IS A KNIFE.”_

 

**N: “** _Spider-Man! Hero name only! Over.”_

 

**P:** _“I’m fine! I’m okay! Nothing I can’t handle, over.”_

 

**M:** _“Bug Boy if you come back to me with a stab wound then I swear to god I will end you right there. Over.”_

 

**P:** _“Noted, over.”_

 

**M:** _“WHAT DID I SAY.”_

 

**P:** _“What was I supposed to do!?”_

 

**M:** _“NOT GET FUCKING STABBED.”_

 

**N:** _“Dude, are you okay? Do I need to call Mr. Stark? Over.”_

 

**M:** _“YES!”_

 

**P:** _“NO!”_

 

**N:** _“I don’t know whether to listen to the actual superhero or the very scary lady who is sitting next to me. Over.”_

 

 

**M:** _“Might as well call you S &M instead of Spider-Man since you seem to enjoy inflicting pain on your friends. Over.” _

 

**P:** _“I’m the one who’s getting hurt! Over!”_

 

**M:** _“And yet I seem to be more upset over it than you, you utter dumbass. Over.”_

 

 

 

**N:** _“Uh, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your vitals aren’t looking so hot, Spider-Man. Maybe you should come home. Over.”_

 

**P:** _“I’m fine! I swear! I can go for another hour.”_

 

**M:** _“Ned, call Mr. Stark. Tell him that his Spider-Kid is dumber than a bag of rocks.”_

 

**P:** _“I said I’m fine, MJ! Don’t slander my good name, over.”_

 

**N:** _“I’m patching in Mr. Stark, over.”_

 

**P:** _“No! Don’t!”_

 

**S:** _“Stark. Who is this?”_

 

**N:** _“H-hello! Mr. Stark sir! I’ve patched you into the Spider-Man suit communications signal to let you know that Spider-Man is injured and has refused to fall back, over!”_

 

**P:** _“NED!”_

 

**S:** _“Oh my god, did you get stabbed? What the hell, kid!? I’m on my way. Stay where you are, I’ve got Friday tracking your location.”_

 

**P:** _“I’m fine, Mr. Stark! It’s just a scratch, really! It’ll be healed in like… a couple of hours!”_

 

**M:** _“Peter, you know that's a lie. You do not heal THAT quick.”_

 

**S:** _“I’m not even going to ask about who that is. Peter, stay there and don’t do any more stupid shit. Stuff. Fuck. Don’t tell your Aunt I swore in front of you. Be there in two minutes.”_

 

**N:** _“Mr. Stark just hung up, over.”_

 

**P:** _“Ned, I love you man, you know that, but COME ON.”_

 

**M:** _“We’re not going to let you bleed out all over Queens, dipshit.”_

 

**P:** _“Wounds just make me sexier, MJ.”_

 

**M:** _“No, they absolutely do not. Never say that shit again.”_

 

**Monday 9:52 PM**

 

**Peter:** just letting you and ned know that im okay and totally in like

 

**Peter:** so much trouble for pretending that being stabbed didnt hurt as much as it did

 

**Peter:** mr stark chewed me out for it

 

 

**_MJ changed Peter’s nickname to Masochist_ **

 

 

**MJ:** Thanks for letting me know.

 

 

**Masochist:** wouldnt have said anything if i knew this is what you would do

 

 

**MJ:** Fine.

 

 

**_MJ changed Masochist’s nickname to Idiot Sandwich_ **

 

**_MJ changed MJ’s nickname to Impulse Control_ **

 

 

**Impulse Control:** Happy?

 

 

**Idiot Sandwich:** i resent this but its kind of true so i’ll accept it for now

 

**Idiot Sandwich:** you know im gonna end up changing this tomorrow though

 

 

**Impulse Control:** Unfortunately.

 

**Impulse Control:** Did you talk to Stark about the field trip next week or were you too focused on getting yelled at?

 

 

**Idiot Sandwich:** shit

 

 

**Impulse Control:** I’ll take that as a no.

 

 

**Idiot Sandwich:** i dont think i need to tell him anyways tbh

 

**Idiot Sandwich:** its not like hes gonna show up during the trip

 

**Idiot Sandwich:** anyways i dont think im gonna be able to sleep for another hour so do you wanna rabb.it the next episode of criminal minds

 

 

**Impulse Control:** Yeah, sure, I’ll set up the room.

 

 

**Idiot Sandwich:** yeet

 

 

**Monday 10:24 PM**

 

**Impulse Control:** You fell asleep, didn’t you?

 

**Impulse Control:** I’ll restart the episode next time we sit down to watch it.

 

 

**Tuesday 6:57 AM**

 

**_Idiot Sandwich changed Idiot Sandwich’s nickname to parkour_ **

 

 

**parkour:** thank you

 

 

**_Impulse Control changed Impulse Control’s nickname to MJ_ **

 

 

**MJ:** No problem.

 

**MJ:** How healed up are you on a scale of one to ten?

 

 

**parkour:** an eight probably

 

**parkour:** im mainly just sore now

 

 

**MJ:** Are you staying home today?

 

 

**parkour:** oh god no

 

**parkour:** mr darcy is giving everyone a history test today and i dont want to face his wrath should i not be sat in his classroom to receive my doom

 

 

**MJ:** If you’re still sore after history class then you should go home.

 

 

**parkour:** i’ll be good as new in a couple of hours

 

 

**MJ:** Humor me, Parker.

 

 

**parkour:** okay okay i’ll go home after history if my fleshy bits still hurt

 

 

**MJ:** God, I hate you.

 

 

**parkour:** love you too MJ

 

 

**Wednesday 3:35 AM**

 

**parkour:** is popcorn just regular corn but like

 

**parkour:** corn with an inflation kink

 

 

**Wednesday 6:47 AM**

 

**MJ:** Boy, if you ever make me read some shit like that again I’m going to END YOU.

 

 

**parkour:** it was a valid question

 

 

**MJ:** NO IT WASN’T

 

 

**parkour:** this is homophobia at its finest

 

 

**MJ:** WE’RE BOTH BI

 

 

**parkour:** homophobia

 

 

**Wednesday 11:24 AM**

 

**MJ:** Is Ned home sick today?

 

**MJ:** He isn’t in our English class and he hasn’t responded to my text.

 

 

**parkour:** probably

 

**parkour:** we were on the phone last night and he sounded pretty rough

 

**parkour:** hopefully hes taking a nice nap

 

**parkour:** god i wish i was taking a nice nap

 

 

**MJ:** If you eat lunch in the cafeteria quick enough and meet me in the library then I’ll cover you so you can take a nap.

 

 

**parkour:** you are a goddess

 

 

**MJ:** I’m aware, but thank you.

 

 

**Wednesday 12:46 PM**

 

**_MJ has attached a file: sleepy boy.png_ **

 

**MJ:** You drool in your sleep.

 

 

**Wednesday 4:32 PM**

 

**_MJ has attached a file: sleepy boy on canvas.png_ **

 

 

**parkour:** oh my god did you draw me drooling on my own arm

 

 

**MJ:** It shall be immortalized in ink.

 

 

**parkour:** i dont know whether to be flattered or insulted

 

**parkour:** so

 

**parkour:** thank you and fuck off

 

 

**MJ:** That was the correct response. You’re welcome.

 

 

**Thursday 9:57 AM**

 

**MJ:** He’s home sick again, isn’t he?

 

 

**parkour:** ned? i think so yeah

 

 

**MJ:** If he’s still sick tomorrow then I’m going to have to check on him.

 

**MJ:** Make sure he isn’t dead.

 

**MJ:** He’s not allowed to miss decathlon practice unless he’s dead.

 

 

**Thursday 6:25 PM**

 

**_parkour has attached a file: you know i had to do it to em.png_ **

 

 

**MJ:** Did you make a civilian take that picture?

 

 

**parkour:** ya

 

 

**MJ:** I feel so sorry for them.

 

 

**_parkour has attached a file: you know we had to do it to em.png_ **

 

 

**parkour:** second civilian took this one of me and civilian number 1

 

 

**MJ:** What the hell is your life?

 

 

**parkour:** pure gold babeeeeey

 

 

**Friday 4:12 PM**

 

**MJ:** I can’t make a call during practice, can you call Ned and let him know that I’m going over to his place in about an hour to check up on him?

 

 

**parkour:** yeah sure

 

**parkour:** i had to call his home phone because i think his cell is dead

 

**parkour:** he said to let you know that the door is unlocked and his parents are both at work so you can let yourself in

 

 

**MJ:** Thanks

 

 

**parkour:** no probs

 

 

**Friday 6:36 PM**

 

**_MJ has attached a file: we lived bitch.png_ **

 

 

**parkour:** that angle is atrocious

 

 

**MJ:** I’m surprised you know how to spell such a big word.

 

 

**parkour:** rude

 

**parkour:** hows ned doing?

 

 

**MJ:** Real bad case of the flu, I’m guessing. He’s mainly just tired so he’s lying down and we’re playing Mario Kart.

 

**MJ:** I’m kicking his ass but I feel kind of bad about it because he’s half asleep.

 

 

**parkour:** no no this is the only time anyone will ever beat him at mario kart

 

**parkour:** this is our advantage

 

 

**MJ:** What, keep him sick so we can finally topple his reign as the Kart King?

 

 

**parkour:** yes

 

 

**MJ:** Ned just cackled.

 

**MJ:** He says we’ll never truly beat him. It’s not winning if he isn’t at full power.

 

 

**parkour:** dammit hes right

 

**parkour:** we’re doomed

 

 

**MJ:** Indeed.

 

 

**Saturday 2:10 AM**

 

**parkour:** what if oxygen is slowly killing us

 

**parkour:** in all seriousness though i think im actually going to choke on the pollution here at some point

 

**parkour:** the one bad thing about being spider-man is that it made my already heightened senses even more heightened

 

**parkour:** i can taste every molecule of pollution in the air whenever i breathe

 

**parkour:** okay thats a little dramatic but its pretty close

 

**parkour:** maybe i can start wearing those medical masks when i walk around the streets like tourists do sometimes

 

 

**Saturday 10:30 AM**

 

**MJ:** Do you ever sleep?

 

 

**parkour:** probably not

 

 

**MJ:** Does it get worse when you’re out as Spider-Man?

 

 

**parkour:** what?

 

**parkour:** oh no

 

**parkour:** theres an air filtration thingy in the mask

 

**parkour:** lowkey wanna marry that mask

 

 

**MJ:** That’s weird as shit, Parker.

 

 

**parkour:** yeah sorry

 

 

**Sunday 3:25 PM**

 

**MJ:** So, guess who caught Ned’s flu?

 

 

**parkour:** nooo!!!!!

 

**parkour:** but he JUST got over his!!!

 

 

**MJ:** Yeah, by giving it to me.

 

 

**parkour:** want me to swing over and hang with you?

 

 

**MJ:** Not really. I want to wallow in my room and read as many books as possible.

 

 

**parkour:** valid

 

**parkour:** think youre gonna make it to school tomorrow?

 

 

**MJ:** Probably not, but I’ll make that call in the morning.

 

 

**parkour:** im going to try my best to fake being sick tomorrow so i dont have to go

 

 

**MJ:** Doesn’t May know that you can’t get sick anymore?

 

**MJ:** Regular sickness, I mean.

 

 

**parkour:** shit

 

**parkour:** cant hurt to try?

 

 

**MJ:** Whatever, man.

 

**MJ:** But in the WWAMD? (What Would Aunt May Do?)  Book of Gospel it says that shes definitely going to force you to get your butt to school.

 

 

**parkour:** ugh

 

**parkour:** flash is gonna mock me all day

 

**parkour:** ive taken the tour at stark industries before so i already know all that stuff

 

**parkour:** and flash is gonna bother every last employee asking if i really work there

 

**parkour:** which isnt gonna go well because i only know like 3 of the employees that we might see during the tour

 

 

**MJ:** Ten bucks says that if he asks those people and they say yes that he’ll ask you how much you paid them.

 

 

**parkour:** id take that bet but i only have $4 and i was planning to buy a bag of m&ms with it

 

 

**MJ:** Sue Flash for harassment and then use the money you win to buy more m&ms and also place bets.

 

 

**parkour:** that is a very good idea

 

 

**MJ:** I’m full of good ideas.

 

 

**Monday 7:59 AM**

 

**parkour:** MAY WONT LET ME STAY HOME

 

**parkour:** SHE KNOWS IM NOT SICK

 

**parkour:** WHY IS SHE SO GOOD AT BEING A PARENT

 

 

**MJ:** Sucks to suck.

 

 

**parkour:** how are you doing?

 

 

**MJ:** Got worse overnight. I’ve got this awful noise sensitive headache and every time I move I get nauseous.

 

 

**parkour:** big oof

 

**parkour:** im gonna take a grand old guess and say youre staying in bed all day

 

 

**MJ:** Fuck yeah.

 

 

**parkour:** nice

 

**parkour:** at least i’ll have ned with me!! hes coming to school today and he hasnt taken the tour before so i think hes gonna have fun

 

 

**MJ:** Keep me updated on the drama.

 

**MJ:** It sustains me.

 

 

**parkour:** of course of course

 

 

**Monday 10:22 AM**

 

**parkour:** whaddup we’re at the tower now

 

**parkour:** so far flash has made five (5) completely original jokes about my penis or lack thereof

 

 

**MJ:** Kill him.

 

 

**parkour:** what

 

 

**MJ:** Kill him?

 

 

**parkour:** no????

 

 

**MJ:** Worth a try.

 

 

**parkour:** fun fact

 

**parkour:** our tour guide is actually one of the people i know!! and shes super nice

 

 

**MJ:** Nice. Did she recognize you?

 

 

**parkour:** immediately!! i say hi to her every time i stop by and we make small talk so she greeted me by name

 

**parkour:** flash looks EVIL now

 

 

**MJ:** Kill him.

 

 

**parkour:** stop saying that!!!!!!!

 

 

**MJ:** I can’t. In order to keep up my scary lady persona I have to say 10 threatening things a day.

 

**MJ:** I’m at 5 so far.

 

 

**parkour:** terrifying! thanks for the info!

 

 

**Monday 10:45 AM**

 

**parkour:**!!!!!! theyre showing us some of the cool bio stuff theyre working on!!!

 

**parkour:** i didnt see any of this last time so im guessing its pretty new :D

 

**parkour:** i reaaaaaally wish i was allowed to take pictures because you would love some of this stuff!!!

 

 

**MJ:** Think you can remember as much of it as you can so you can infodump it to me later one?

 

 

**parkour:** you betcha!!!!!!

 

 

**MJ:** Thanks, dork.

 

 

**Monday 11:23 AM**

 

**parkour:** MJ i need you to kill me pronto

 

 

**MJ:** On it.

 

**MJ:** Wait, why?

 

 

**parkour:** that was so quick im kind of frightened

 

**parkour:** mr. stark knew about the tour and he came down to “ask me a question”

 

**parkour:** i hate him so much but also now flash wont think im lying about the internship anymore

 

**parkour:** but also I HATE HIM

 

 

**MJ:** Isn’t this like… 100% a good thing, though?

 

 

**parkour:** I SUPPOSE BUT IM KINDA EMBARRASSED

 

**parkour:** he said “theres my kid!” when he walked down

 

**parkour:** so now half of the class thinks im his illegitimate child

 

 

**MJ:** You aren’t?

 

 

**parkour:** blocked

 

 

**Monday 4:15 PM**

 

**MJ:** So, you know how I said I wanted to be alone yesterday?

 

 

**parkour:** ya?

 

 

**MJ:** I already invited Ned over. Swing on over, Bug Boy. You still have to give me that infodump you promised.

 

 

**parkour:** i have dropped all 2 of my plans and im on my way

 

 

**MJ:** One of those plans was to eat spaghetti and rewatch John Mulaney’s comedy specials and the other was to order a pizza and rewatch John Mulaney’s comedy specials.

 

 

**parkour:** okay

 

**parkour:** wow

 

**parkour:** you’re right but

 

**parkour:** wow

 

 

**MJ:** Get your ass over here, dork.

 

 

**parkour:** im out the window now

 

 

**MJ:** Oh my god.

 


	3. transphobes and cool merchandise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter isnt as long as the first two but i think the length suits it 
> 
> also, content warnings for referenced transphobia and assault! stay safe!!

**Thursday 10:12 AM**

 

 **parkour:** we really need to find you a good nickname

 

 **parkour:** so you aren’t just plain old MJ in chat

 

 

 **MJ:** Are you saying my name is boring?

 

 **MJ:** Also, stop texting during class time, bug boy.

 

 

 **parkour:** you keep answering so… nah

 

 **parkour:** no!! no im not saying MJ is boring i just mean

 

 **parkour:** i want you to have some PIZZAZZ

 

 **parkour:** my nickname suits me and it sounds like my actual name, therefore, its funny

 

 **parkour:** we need to get you one

 

 

 **MJ:** No we don’t.

 

 **MJ:** Who told you that “Peter Parkour” was funny? I might have to slap some sense into them.

 

 

 **parkour:** harsh

 

  


**Thursday 2:43 PM**

 

 **MJ:** Forgot to send this to you at lunch.

 

**_MJ has attached a file: Voice Crack King.mp4_ **

 

 

 **parkour:** are you like

 

 **parkour:** constantly filming me waiting for the second i do something embarrassing?

 

 

 **MJ:** Yes.

 

 **MJ:** I can’t believe I’m friends with the King of voice cracks.

 

 

 **MJ:** Such a high honour.

 

 

 **parkour:** i sound like a donkey

 

 

 **MJ:** KING.

 

 

 **parkour:** ive been on T for like four years now why do i still sound like a donkey and not a man

 

 

 **MJ:** Dude, you’re going through puberty. That shit doesn’t stop until you’re 21 and having your “first drink.”

 

 

 **parkour:** gross

 

 **parkour:** i want my deep voice @ testosterone give me the deep voice

 

 

 **MJ:** At least your voice changes with hormones.

 

 

 **parkour:** oh god yeah fair im sorry

 

 

 **MJ:** You’re allowed to complain, dude, don’t worry about it. We have different situations.

 

 

 **parkour:** how long have you been doing voice training now?

 

 

 **MJ:** Ever since I came out a couple of years ago.

 

 **MJ:** I don’t think you ever stop voice training, to be honest.

 

 

 **parkour:** brutal

 

 **parkour:** i remember being 10 and trying to get a deep voice

 

 **parkour:** that shit HURTED

 

 

 **MJ:** Dumbass.

 

  


**Friday 1:06 AM**

 

 **parkour:** im gonna kill my histamines

 

 

 **MJ:** Itchy?

 

 

 **parkour:** not for any reason yeah

 

 **parkour:** i forgot you love bio shit for half a sec i was surprised you immediately knew what histamines were

 

 

 **MJ:** Itching creams are called antihistamines, therefore, the chemical that makes you itch is called histamines.

 

 **MJ:** Doesn’t take a human biology student to know that.

 

 

 **parkour:** im feeling called out because i had to google what it was that made my skin itchy

 

 

 **MJ:** Sounds right. You do only have about three brain cells after all.

 

 

 **parkour:** HEY

 

 

 **MJ:** Spidey Sightings on Twitter says you were seen out and about around ten minutes ago. Are you still patrolling?

 

 

 **parkour:** what no absolutely not

 

 

 **MJ:** Go home, Peter. It’s late.

 

 

 **parkour:** technically im still home

 

 

 **MJ:** HOME home, bug boy. Not just Queens.

 

 

 **parkour:** ugh

 

 **parkour:** crime doesn’t sleep michelle

 

 **parkour:** im wide awake and so is the crime rate of nyc

 

 

 **MJ:** Okay, here’s the deal.

 

 **MJ:** You have thirty more minutes of crime fighting and helping old ladies cross the road.

 

 **MJ:** If you don’t send me a picture of you in your bedroom with a picture of the date in the background in forty-five minutes, I will KICK YOUR ASS at school in the morning.

 

 

 **parkour:** you do realize that i could probably kill you right

 

 

 **MJ:** You wouldn’t.

 

 **MJ:** Coward.

 

 

 **parkour:** god dammit youre right

 

 

 **MJ:** It’s 1:15. Thirty minutes starts now, bug boy.

 

 

 **parkour:** shit okay bye gotta fight bad guys

 

  


**Friday 1:55 AM**

 

**_parkour has attached a file: im home dont beat me.png_ **

 

 

 **MJ:** Goodnight, Peter.

 

 **MJ:** Have good crimeless dreams.

 

  


**Friday 6:28 AM**

 

 **parkour:** he did not, in fact, have good crimeless dreams

 

 

 **MJ:** Number?

 

 

 **parkour:** about a 6

 

 **parkour:** so im okay and can go the rest of the day feeling okay

 

 

 **MJ:** And you know the rule for anything higher than a 5?

 

 

 **parkour:** ….. talk to may about it

 

 

 **MJ:** Smart man.

 

 **MJ:** Speaking of May, I need fashion advice and my mom is still asleep. I need a WWAMD (What Would Aunt May Do?) from the real deal herself. I’m sending two pics, please have her choose one of them.

 

 

**_MJ has attached a file: Don’t Give A Shit.png_ **

 

**_MJ has attached a file: Don’t Give A Shit (But Sassier).png_ **

 

 

 **parkour:** she says go with the sassier one because she really likes your black jean jacket

 

 

 **MJ:** Thank you, Aunt May, for your inspirational wisdom.

 

 **MJ:** I would be truly lost without your guidance.

 

 

 **parkour:** shes pretending to be nonchalant about saying thank you but i can see the want to cackle on her face

 

 

 **MJ:** Incredible.

  


 

**Friday 11:49 AM**

 

 **parkour:** flash is really getting on my nerves

 

 **parkour:** i can beat up drug dealers and get shot at but i cant deal with one teenager with no creativity

 

 **parkour:** we get it, flash, i dont have a dick haha very funny!!!! :))))

 

 **parkour:** lets call the trans dude “penis” to constantly remind him of the fact that hes not a real guy

 

 

 **MJ:** I’m going to punch Eugene’s lights out in the decathlon meeting and then I’m going to beat you the fuck up for not thinking you’re a “real guy.”

 

 **MJ:** OBVIOUSLY you’re a real guy. You’re just as stupid as any man in New York!

 

 

 **parkour:** how... is that so uplifting while also being mean at the same time

 

 

 **MJ:** It’s a gift.

  


 

**Friday 4:01 PM**

 

 **MJ:** Okay, yeah, Flash has totally got a stick up his ass or something.

 

 **MJ:** He’s super annoying today, which just gives me more of a reason to clock him before I leave.

 

 

 **parkour:** dont clock flash

 

 

 **MJ:** Bold of you to assume you can stop me.

 

 

 **parkour:** please

 

 

 **MJ:** Damn you, Parker.

 

  


**Friday 7:44 PM**

 

 **_parkour has attached a file:_ ** [ **_selfie.png_ ** ](https://i.pinimg.com/236x/b3/eb/6a/b3eb6a3de72a9b9b7538d9067c9df90d--opossum-animal-babies.jpg)

 

 

 **MJ:** I mean, you’re not wrong.

 

 

 **parkour:** oh to be a little babey

 

 **parkour:** prancing in the snow

 

 

 **MJ:** Okay, dumbass.

  


 

**Saturday 2:34 AM**

 

 **parkour:** i hate the human race sometimes

 

 **parkour:** MJ i hate humans so much

 

 **parkour:** i hate that people do these awful things and i hate that they think its okay

 

 **parkour:** because i have walked 3 different women home tonight after having beaten up the men who tried to attack them

 

 **parkour:** one of them wasn’t as shook up as i think she shouldve been and she told me its because this has already happened to her a couple times and shes become numb to it

 

 **parkour:** and its nights like these that remind me why i do what i do

 

 **parkour:** im sorry youre asleep and probably dont want to hear my angsty shit

 

  


**Saturday 5:56 AM**

 

 **MJ:** I’m on my way over now. We’re going to have a binge-watching day, and we’re going to sit in your bedroom with a big ass bowl of popcorn.

 

 **MJ:** You’re definitely asleep, though, so I’m letting myself in. May still keeps a spare key on top of the doorframe.

 

 

 **parkour:** oh wait shit what

 

 **parkour:** WAIT I HAVE TO PUT PANTS ON

 

 

 **MJ:** Oh my god, Peter, I’m going to be at least 15 minutes. You have time to put on some pants.

 

 **MJ:** YOU SHOULD ALSO STILL BE ASLEEP.

 

 

 **parkour:** i cant be asleep

 

 **parkour:** youre coming over and im excited but ill probably fall asleep at some point

 

 

 **MJ:** That’s expected.

  


 

**Sunday 4:20 AM**

 

 **parkour:** blaze it

 

 

 **MJ:** It’s very easy to tell that you’ve never smoked before.

 

 

 **parkour:** wait

 

 **parkour:** you have?

 

 

 **MJ:** No comment.

 

 

 **parkour:** >:O

 

  


**Sunday 1:35 PM**

 

 **MJ:** Hey, look at this thing I just bought.

 

 

**_MJ has attached a file: you are too famous.png_ **

 

 

 **parkour:**!!!!!!!! is that a keychain of my face????

 

 **parker:** made out of the melty oven beads??????

 

 

 **MJ:** Perler beads, and yeah. A little girl was selling a ton of them on the street corner with her mom near my place. They were cheap and she looked really proud of herself.

 

 

 **parkour:** thats so cute omg i love it

 

 **parkour:** wait

 

 **parkour:** is she still there?

 

 

 **MJ:** Yeah, I think they live nearby or something so they’re probably going to be there for most of the day, why?

 

 

 **parkour:** brb

 

  


**Sunday 1:58 PM**

 

**_parkour has attached a file: shes so sweet!!!!!.png_ **

 

 

 **MJ:** You suited up just to make a little girls day?

 

 

 **parkour:** of course!!! her name is lily and i love her already

 

 **parkour:** her mom looked really happy to see me too but i think thats just because lily was so excited when i swung down next to their table

 

 **parkour:** im gonna stick around with her for a little bit to help her sell off the rest of her keychains

 

 **parkour:** shes so cute and she keeps asking me about my webshooters and how they work

 

 **parkour:** i brought my old handmade mask with me too so she could try it on for a minute

 

 

 **MJ:** Did you just adopt a random child?

 

 

 **parkour:** MAYBE SO

 

 **parkour:** gotta go!! people are starting to gather to get keychains so im gonna help rake in the cash

 

 

 **MJ:** Dork.

  


 

**Sunday 11:51 PM**

 

**_parkour changed MJ’s nickname to magpie_ **

 

 

 **parkour:** i found a nickname for you

 

 

 **magpie:** Explain.

 

 

 **parkour:** well magpies are like… super smart birds right

 

 **parkour:** but theyre also seen as like… refined and sophisticated and communicative and stuff

 

 **parkour:** ALSO theyre seen as deceptive and depending on the number of them you see they can mean bad luck

 

 

 **magpie:** So I’m a mouthy liar whos bad luck.

 

 

 **parkour:** no!!!!!

 

 **parkour:** im saying youre really smart and youre good at winning a debate and youre bad luck because if someone says the wrong thing you will throw hands

 

 

 **magpie:** Huh.

 

 

 **parkour:** also… and dare i say….. theyre really pretty looking birds

 

 

 **magpie:** Thin fucking ice, Parker.

 

 

 **parkour:** gfhjsfhdfk sorry

 

 

 **magpie:** I’ll accept the name for now.

 

 

**_magpie changed magpie’s nickname to Magpie_ **

 

 

 **Magpie:** But at least let me have the proper capitalization.

 

 

 **parkour:**!!!!!!!! of course!!!!

 

 **parkour:** im glad you like it

 

 

 **Magpie:** Whatever, nerd.

 

 **Magpie:** It’s cute.

 


	4. oats and days off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, just a note because i know some people dont like the word, mj uses the Q slur once in this chapter.
> 
> i'm someone who uses the word pretty regularly because i self identify with the word and there's a possibility it may be used in future chapters.

 

**Monday 5:47 AM**

 

 **parkour:** i hate monday mornings

 

 **parkour:** i dont wanna go to school i wanna sleep in

 

 

 **Magpie:** I’m sorry, all I read was “I hate Monday mornings” and I immediately pictured you as Garfield.

 

 

 **parkour:** hes a funky little cat

 

 

 **Magpie:** He’s a menace. Just like you.

 

 

 **parkour:** shit that hurt

 

 **parkour:** now im sad and want to be complimented

 

 **parkour:** please compliment me

 

 

 **Magpie:** You have eyes.

 

 

 **parkour:** oh thank GOD

 

 **parkour:** I HAVE EYES?? || STORYTIME (NOT CLICKBAIT) (GONE WRONG)

 

 

 **Magpie:** That meme is so old at this point.

 

 

 **parkour:** youre such a party pooper

 

 

 **Magpie:** Thank you.

 

 

 **parkour:** youre welcome :^)

 

 

**Monday 9:50 AM**

 

 **Magpie:** The human body has around 95 to 100 billion nerve cells and Eugene “Flash” Thompson has a tendency to get on every single last one of mine.

 

 

 **parkour:** straight up facts out here by michelle jones everybody

 

 

 **Magpie:** I want to throw him through a wall.

 

 

 **parkour:** dont do that

 

 

 **Magpie:** Okay

 

 

 **parkour:** you didnt put a period after that okay which leads me to believe that youre lying to me

 

 

 **Magpie:** Okay

 

 

 **parkour:** im calling the cops

 

 

 **Magpie:** okay

 

 

 **parkour:** YOURE SCARING ME

 

 

 **Magpie:** :)

 

 

 **parkour:** FGHJHKJHGFHJ NOOO

 

 

**Monday 1:07 PM**

****  
**  
** **Magpie:** The principal just gave me a stern talking to about threats because I told Eugene I would punt him through a brick wall, which is stupid because I wasn’t even threatening him.

 

 

 **parkour:** ???? miCHELLE HOW IS THAT NOT A THREAT

 

  
  
**Magpie:** It was a promise.

 

 

 **parkour:** NO!!!

 

 

**Monday 3:46 PM**

 

 **parkour:** completely forgot today was my scheduled compound day and almost went home instead of into happys car

 

 

 **Magpie:** How did you manage to forget that you’re going to hang out with your dad

 

 

 **parkour:** he aint my dad!!!! what the fuck!!!!

 

 

 **Magpie:** Why the hell do you obsess over him then?

 

 

 **parkour:** because its mr. stark????? hes like…. one of the coolest people in the world???

 

 

 **Magpie:** I mean, Pepper Potts exists but go off I guess.

 

 

 **parkour:** shit you right

 

 **parkour:** miss potts is the nicest lady in the world and she strikes the fear of god into mr. stark and its hilarious

 

 

 **Magpie:** We STAN.

 

 

 **parkour:** if i told mr. stark that miss potts is better than him i am 99% sure he would laugh and tell me im correct

 

 

 **Magpie:** Because you are.

 

 **Magpie:** Pepper Potts is better than any other human being on this Earth.

 

 

 **parkour:** agreed

 

 

**Monday 4:24 PM**

 

 **parkour:** he laughed and said i was right

 

 

 **Magpie:** Because you are.

 

 **Magpie:** What are you working on today? If you’re in the lab, that is.

 

 

 **parkour:** yeah im in the lab

 

 **parkour:** im working on fixing the suits internal webshooters because theres a milisecond of hesitation on them and i cant have them be anything other than immediate

 

 

 **Magpie:** Nice. But couldn’t you have done that at home at any time? You made your own webshooters from scratch by yourself, man.

 

 

 **parkour:** oh god yeah i couldve gotten this done the minute i noticed it but mr. stark prefers it when i work on the suit in the lab where its his creation and all

 

 

 **Magpie:** Fair, I suppose.

 

 

**Tuesday 1:21 AM**

 

 **parkour:** okay so dont judge me but you know whos kinda hot

 

 

 **Magpie:** Don’t say Alvin the chipmunk.

 

 

**Tuesday 1:32 AM**

 

 **Magpie:** I’m going to fucking kill you.

 

 

 **parkour:** you shouldnt be promoting murder

 

 

 **Magpie:** We all have our flaws.

 

 

**Tuesday 9:47 AM**

 

 **Magpie:** Are you eating oatmeal out of a thermos?

 

 

 **parkour:** yeah

 

 

 **Magpie:** Dude.

 

 

 **parkour:** im a hongry boy with a super metabolism and i need to monch

 

 **parkour:** also oatmeal is gods gift to this world but he messed up by putting milk measurements on the packets because you measure that shit with your heart

 

 

 **Magpie:** Mr. MacIntosh has absolutely noticed you eating already because I can smell the brown sugar from the front of the classroom.

 

 

 **parkour:** hes a hoe if he sayin anything about my oatmeal

 

 

 **Magpie:** Did you just threaten to slut-shame the teacher?

 

 

 **parkour:** maybe?

 

 **parkour:** oh also can you do the supervised naptime thing for me at lunch again

 

 **parkour:** Blease im love you

 

 

 **Magpie:** I will if you promise to never say those words again.

 

 

 **parkour:** which ones

 

 **parkour:** blease or love you

 

 

 **Magpie:** Yes.

 

 

 **parkour:** jeez okay

 

 

**Tuesday 12:58 PM**

 

**_Magpie has attached a file: sleepy boy 2 electric boogaloo.png_ **

 

 

 **parkour:** is this going to become a reoccurring theme

 

 

 **Magpie:** If you keep drooling on the sacred tables in the library, then, yes.

 

 

 **parkour:** ugh

 

 

**Tuesday 5:34 PM**

 

 **parkour:** should i start bringing oatmeal with me on patrols

 

 

 **Magpie:** I mean, maybe? Do you feel the need to eat more during patrol?

 

 

 **parkour:** yeah because im swinging around the city and thats DRAINING

 

 

 **Magpie:** I imagine a thermos would be a bit weird to keep with you for that stuff, though. Maybe just wear a fanny pack with energy bars in them.

 

 

 **parkour:** disgusting

 

 **parkour:** im shocked and appalled that you would assume i would ever be caught within ten feet of a fanny pack

 

 

 **Magpie:** Then starve.

 

 

 **parkour:** god fine okay MOM

 

 

 **Magpie:** Don’t speak to your mother that way.

 

 

 **parkour:** sorry mom love you mom

 

 

 **Magpie:** WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THOSE WORDS.

 

 

 **parkour:** haha sorry i gotta go my phones at 98% and i gotta charge it lmao see you bye

 

 

 **Magpie:** Thin fucking ice, Parker.

 

 

**Tuesday 10:50 PM**

 

 **parkour:** wanna rabb.it criminal minds

 

 

 **Magpie:** I’m setting up the room, you’ll get an invite in a minute.

 

 

 **parkour:** god youre the best

 

 

 **Magpie:** Never forget it.

 

 

**Wednesday 12:12 AM**

 

 **parkour:** spencer reid about to make me SOB

 

 

 **Magpie:** Crybaby.

 

 

 **parkour:** i am VALID in my emotions

 

 

**Wednesday 8:13 AM**

 

 **parkour:** god i dont wanna go to school im so tired

 

 

 **Magpie:** Take a sick day. Tell Aunt May you aren’t feeling that well and ask to stay home for the day.

 

 

 **parkour:** no i havent missed a day of school since i got shot in the shoulder last month and i want to keep this streak going

 

 

 **Magpie:** I’m going to ignore that in favour of saying that you deserve to take a day off. You’ve been really tired lately and I think you need to sleep in today.

 

 

 **parkour:** absolutely not

 

 **parkour:** only bitches miss school for non fatal reasons

 

 **parkour:** and may parker didnt raise no bitch

 

 

 **Magpie:** What am I supposed to call you, then?

 

 

 **parkour:** FUCK YOU

 

 

 **Magpie:** Gross, no thank you.

 

 

 **_parkour has attached a file:_ ** [ **_angrey.gif_ ** ](https://i.imgur.com/cmYbykJ.gif)

 

 

**Wednesday 9:01 AM**

 

 **parkour:** aunt may is keeping me home

 

 

 **Magpie:** May is a legend.

 

 **Magpie:** WWAMD? (What Would Aunt May Do?) continues to be the best way to live.

 

 

 **parkour:** i know what wwamd means now from how often you say it so like do you have to clarify what it means every single time

 

 

 **Magpie:** Branding.

 

 **Magpie:** No bug boy activity today.

 

 

 **parkour:** may already said that

 

 

 **Magpie:** She is a LEGEND.

 

 **Magpie:** Go back to sleep, dumbass.

 

 

 **parkour:** >:v fine

 

 

 **Magpie:** Is that supposed to be an angry duck?

 

 

 **parkour:** ya

 

 

 **Magpie:** Go the fuck to sleep.

 

 

 **parkour:** >:V

 

 

**Wednesday 12:24 PM**

 

 **parkour:** oatmeal time babey

 

 

 **Magpie:** How much oatmeal have you eaten this week?

 

 

 **parkour:** i do not want to disclose this information

 

 

 **Magpie:** Is it because you don’t know how much oatmeal you’ve eaten this week?

 

 

 **parkour:** i do not want to disclose this information

 

 

 **Magpie:** That's all I needed to know.

 

 

 **parkour:** actually wait if i look in the trashcan in my room i can count the packets ive opened

 

 

 **Magpie:** Disgusting.

 

 

**Wednesday 12:30 PM**

 

 **parkour:** ive eaten 15 packets of oatmeal so far this week

 

 

 **Magpie:** Okay, normally I don’t judge the amount of food you eat because I know why you eat the amount you do and also it’s not any of my business anyways, BUT,

 

 **Magpie:** What! The! Actual! FUCK!

 

 

 **parkour:** no no no you have to understand

 

 **parkour:** a meals serving of oatmeal is like... two packets because one packet is not enough

 

 **parkour:** except i need more than that so a meals serving for me is like… three packets plus fruit or something because four packets is a little extreme even for a spider boy on testosterone

 

 **parkour:** so really ive only eaten five things of oatmeal so far this week plus a metric fuckton of apples and blueberries

 

 

 **Magpie:** That’s still a lot of oatmeal to eat in the span of three days.

 

 

 **parkour:** oatmeal is one of the most filling foods in the world

 

 

 **Magpie:** I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had it.

 

 

 **parkour:** damn.... sounds like someones never had to make ends meet and ended up addicted to oats because of it

 

 

 **Magpie:** Dude.

 

 

 **parkour:** mj im kidding

 

 **parkour:** but also not do you know how CHEAP oatmeal is man this shit is the poor boys delicacy okay?

 

 **parkour:** i survived on the OATS

 

 

 **Magpie:** Stop making yourself sound like a horse.

 

 

 **parkour:** OATS!

 

 

**Wednesday 2:03 PM**

 

 **Magpie:** Some asshat just told me I sound like a guy.

 

 

 **parkour:** oh big oof

 

 

 **Magpie:** Every day I am reminded of why I’m happier not telling everyone I’m trans.

 

 

 **parkour:** yeah i kinda wish i had your situation

 

 **parkour:** you got to choose because you moved after you started transitioning

 

 **parkour:** almost everyone at school knows im trans which is like… fine yknow but sometimes i wish i would pass for cis at school instead of being “that trans kid”

 

 

 **Magpie:** Yeah, I know how difficult it is for you.

 

 **Magpie:** Cishet people are wild.

 

 

 **parkour:** RIGHT????

 

 **parkour:** do you ever see a straight couple making out in the hallways and just go “god… heteros are so straight” despite it making absolutely no sense

 

 

 **Magpie:** Yes.

 

 **Magpie:** “It’s okay that you’re a queer and all, but can you not shove it in our faces?” Meanwhile, you got Christy and Jake over there nearly banging each other right in the middle of the crowded hallway.

 

 

 **parkour:** man, straight people, am i right

 

 

 **Magpie:** Truly. They kill me.

 

 

**Wednesday 2:25 PM**

 

 **Magpie:** Flirted with a girl and she gave me the stinkeye.

 

 **Magpie:** That’s it, I’m done with attempting to seduce people.

 

 

 **parkour:** god… mood???

 

 

 **Magpie:** I’m sick of transphobic people and also just plain boring people in relationships.

 

 **Magpie:** Do you just want to get platonically married so neither of us ever have to worry about finding someone to spend the rest of our lives with?

 

 

 **parkour:** oh thank god i thought youd never ask please can we get hitched right now this very second

 

 

 **Magpie:** I’m currently in my study hall period which means I’m not doing anything, so, yeah.

 

 **Magpie:** Call your rich Dad and ask him to fund our wedding for us so we can have luxurious stuff.

 

 

 **parkour:** obviously obviously

 

 **parkour:** WAIT HES NOT MY DAD

 

 

 **Magpie:** Damn, so close.

 

 **Magpie:** Anyways, I know today I ordered you to relax and everything but I’m coming over after school.

 

 

 **parkour:** THANK YOU IM SO LONELY MAY WENT TO WORK WHILE I WAS ASLEEP AND I HAVE NOTHING TO DO

 

 

 **Magpie:** I’ve been thinking of putting a colour streak in my hair but I’m not sure which colour. Give me a colour and I’ll pick up a cheap hair dye on my way over. Also a clothespin in case the chemicals are too much for you because I’m forcing you to help me dye it.

 

 

 **parkour:** yeah a clothespin please

 

 **parkour:** may dyes her hair sometimes and it slaps me in the FACE

 

 

 **Magpie:** Would you rather I not force you to dye my hair?

 

 

 **parkour:** absolutely not please let me dye your hair i really want to

 

 **parkour:** you should do a blue streak

 

 

 **Magpie:** Blue it is, Parker.

  



	5. legos and angsty breakdowns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, warning for angst in this one?

**Thursday 6:56 AM**

 

 **parkour:** my bathroom still smells like hair dye and may is trying her best to get the smell out before i get a migraine but it isnt working

 

 **parkour:** my heightened senses really out here saying “fuck peter lives” huh

 

 

 **Magpie:** Shit, I’m sorry.

 

 **Magpie:** I shouldn’t have asked you to dye my hair for me, I know how much strong smells hurt for you.

 

 

 **parkour:** no no no no no no no

 

 **parkour:** i liked dying your hair!!! and the blue looks so cool!!!!!!!!!! i wouldve said no if i didnt think i could handle it!!!!!!!!

 

 **parkour:** besides im hanging with ned after school so i wont have to deal with the apartment until this evening and itll probably be aired out by then

 

 

 **Magpie:** Alright.

 

 **Magpie:** What are you two losers going to do today?

 

 

 **parkour:** i dont know

 

 **parkour:** mario kart or legos or something… we always find something to do

 

 

 **Magpie:** You guys haven’t done a lego kit in a little while... that I know of.

 

 

 **parkour:** they get more and more expensive

 

 **parkour:** it sucks ass

 

 **parkour:** ned keeps joking about how hes gonna buy the avengers tower kit with the tony stark figure and if he ever does im gonna kick his ass

 

 

 **Magpie:** No you won’t.

 

 

 **parkour:** no i wont

 

 **parkour:** but i will refuse to build it with him

 

 

 **Magpie:** Oooooh, how scary of you.

 

 

 **parkour:** shut up!!!!

 

 

 **Magpie:** Fine.

  
  


**Thursday 7:22 AM**

 

 **parkour:** stop

 

 

 **Magpie:** You’re the one who told me to shut up.

 

 

 **parkour:** smartass

 

 

 **Magpie:** My ass is not at the core of my intelligence, Parker.

 

 

 **_parkour has attached a file:_ ** [ **_hhhhhh.png_ ** ](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Daxk7kCWkAAzxHN.jpg:large)

  
  


**Thursday 4:07 PM**

 

 **parkour:** NEDS BEEN GIGGLING AT ME ALL DAY AND I JUST FOUND OUT WHY

 

**_parkour has attached a file: NED WHY.png_ **

 

 **parkour:** HE BOUGHT THE AVENGERS TOWER LEGO KIT I HATE HIM

 

 

 **Magpie:** You’re excited to build it.

 

 

 **parkour:** S

 

 **parkour:** H

 

 **parkour:** U

 

 **parkour:** T

 

 

 **Magpie:** Text me like that again and you’ll never hear from me for as long as you live.

 

 

 **parkour:** sorry

 

 

 **Magpie:** Damn right.

  
  


**Thursday 6:58 PM**

 

**_parkour has attached a file: tower complete.png_ **

 

 

 **Magpie:** Wow, you nerds actually posed for that.

 

 

 **parkour:** rude

 

 **parkour:** took us three minutes to get both of our heads AND our peace signs in the shot

 

 

 **Magpie:** Once again,

 

 **Magpie:** Wow.

  
  


**Friday 1:32 AM**

 

 **parkour** : bow chicka wow wow

 

 **parkour** : thats what my baby says

 

 **parkour** : mow mow mow

 

 **parkour** : and my heart starts pumpin

 

 **parkour** : chicka chicka chew op

 

 **parkour** : never gonna stop

 

 **parkour** : gitchi gitchi goo means that i love you

  
  


**Friday 4:16 AM**

 

 **Magpie:** Peter Benjamin Parker, what the actual fuck?

 

 

 **parkour:** what

 

 **parkour:** oh that

 

 **parkour:** pretty sure i sent that after this bad guy dude bonked my head with his shooty and i felt kinda tired

 

 

 **Magpie:** Did you just call a gun a “shooty”?

 

 **Magpie:** Oh my god, you got hit with a gun.

 

 

 **parkour:** I DIDNT GET SHOT OR STABBED THIS TIME

 

 

 **Magpie:** Gold star for you, dumbass! You still got hurt!

 

 **Magpie:** Hurt enough to send me a stupid Phineas and Ferb song at one in the morning in a concussed state!

 

 **Magpie:** You’re really starting to grind my gears!

 

 

 **parkour:** that song is iconic how dare you call it stupid

 

 

 **Magpie:** Yeah, of course, that’s what you’re focusing on.

 

 **Magpie:** Do you even care that you keep getting hurt? Or are you just going to play it off as a joke every single time?

 

 

 **parkour:** hearing that people care about me or are concerned for my wellbeing is strange to me because im so used to putting myself down and feeling worthless and every time i get hurt on the job its proof that i wasnt good enough that time

 

 **parkour:** LMAO ANYWAYS REPRESSING THAT

 

 **parkour:** IM GONNA HEAD HOME AND TRY TO GET AT LEAST AN HOUR OF SLEEP BEFORE SCHOOL GOOD NIGHT

  
  


**Friday 6:08 AM**

 

 **parkour:** hey mj would you happen to know why i just received a call from mr. stark telling me that ive got a therapy appointment with his personally recommended therapist next week

 

 

 **Magpie:** Yes. It’s because I threatened to kick him in the shin if he didn’t provide you with proper mental health resources.

 

 **Magpie:** Putting on that onesie and parading yourself around the city webbing up bad guys every night isn’t doing good things for your mental health, and I’d bet good money that it wasn’t that great to begin with.

 

 **Magpie:** You need a professional who you can talk to about this stuff. Especially one you can talk to about Spider-Man. As much as I care for you and want to help the best I can, I’m not equipped to handle this kind of stuff and I fear I’ll do more harm than good by trying.

 

 

 **parkour:** aw you care about me

 

 

 **Magpie:** I know you’re joking because you’re slowly processing what I’ve said and you want to buy yourself more time to intake everything, but of course I care about you, you dumb fucking bitch!

 

 **Magpie:** Would I have threatened Tony Fucking Stark for you if I didn’t care about you? No! That bitch could ruin my life just by breathing if he wanted to! He’s too much of a coward to do it, but he could! Damn!

 

 

 **parkour:** love you

 

 

 **Magpie:**...love you too.

 

 

 **parkour:** O:

 

 

 **Magpie:** That’s the only one you get this year, shithead, so don’t let it inflate your ego too much.

 

 

 **parkour:** <3

  
  


**Friday 7:14 AM**

 

 **parkour:** wait did you really do all that because i sent you gitchi gitchi goo or was it because i said i got hit in the head

 

 

 **Magpie:** Take a fucking guess!

 

 

 **parkour:** ah

 

 **parkour:** chicka chicka chew op

 

 

 **Magpie:** One day… one day you shall perish by my hand.

 

 

 **parkour:** kinky

 

 

 **Magpie:** ONE DAY.

  
  


**Friday 4:44 PM**

 

 **parkour:** i was gonna patrol today like usual but the second i pulled on the suit i got another call from mr. stark telling me he was gonna revoke my lab access if i went out when i had a concussion last night

 

 **parkour:** so i took it upon myself to make a shit load of spaghetti

 

 

**_parkour has attached a file: on top of spaghetti.png_ **

 

 

 **parkour:** im going to eat as much spaghetti as possible and then store the rest of it for leftovers

 

 **parkour:** may cant even get mad because i bought these noodles myself

 

 

 **Magpie:** You should never be allowed to be by yourself.

 

 **Magpie:** It amazes me that May leaves you alone.

 

 

 **parkour:** thought you worshipped the ground she walks on

 

 

 **Magpie:** There's a huge difference between worshipping and idolizing.

 

 **Magpie:** I idolize your Aunt, and you worship your Dad.

 

 

 **parkour:** hES NOT MY DAD

 

 

 **Magpie:** Then why’d he thank me this morning for “looking out for his kid”?

 

 

 **parkour:** what

 

 **parkour:** did he say that

 

 

 **Magpie:** Yes.

 

 

 **parkour:** omg

 

 

 **Magpie:** I believe he’s your actual father a little more with every passing day.

 

 

 **parkour:** i mean

 

 **parkour:** he can never ever replace ben. ben was my father even if he technically wasnt.

 

 

 **Magpie:** Yeah, of course. I didn’t mean to imply otherwise.

 

 

 **parkour:**!!! i know

 

 **parkour:** mr. stark would be really cool as a dad figure though

 

 

 **Magpie:** Go eat your spaghetti mountain before you start overthinking too hard.

 

 

 **parkour:** hell yeah spaghetti and buzzfeed unsolved marathons lets go

  
  


**Friday 6:32 PM**

 

 **parkour:** i just ate like 16 pounds of spaghetti and i think im dying now

 

 **parkour:** mr. god? are you there? its me, peter

 

 

 **Magpie:** Did you actually just say “Mr. God”?

 

 

 **parkour:** im walking into the light

 

 

 **Magpie:** Perish.

  
  


**Friday 7:10 PM**

 

 **parkour:** wait how did you get mr. starks personal number

 

 

 **Magpie:** Ned gave it to me after I sat with him during your patrol and you had gotten stabbed. Said it’s what I call if you’re ever in over your head.

 

 

 **parkour:** remind me to flick him in the head next time i see him

 

 

 **Magpie:** No.

 

 

 **parkour:** you suck

 

 

 **Magpie:** I’ll keep that in mind.

  
  


**Friday 11:11 PM**

 

 **parkour:** 11:11 wish is for the ability to solve the jack the ripper case

 

 

 **Magpie:** Why?

 

 

 **parkour:** i just really wanna know if the theory that it was a woman is true or not

 

 

 **Magpie:** Valid, I suppose.

  
  


**Saturday 12:31 PM**

 

 **Magpie:** Nerd, wake up. Ned’s been texting you for ten minutes now and he’s starting to get that weird sad face.

 

 **Magpie:** He keeps sending me pictures of it.

  
  


**Saturday 12:45 PM**

 

 **parkour:** shit im awake sorry

 

 **parkour:** im guessing youre at his place for mario kart then???

 

 

 **Magpie:** Not yet, but I’ll be there for 1:30.

 

 

 **parkour:** ill be there too but i gotta eat first

 

 

 **Magpie:** You should do that.

 

 **Magpie:** Also, Ned brought up a good point to me earlier. We don’t have a group chat.

 

 

 **parkour:** should we make one?????

 

 

**_Magpie has added CodeNed to the group._ **

 

**_Magpie has renamed “NedLeeds, Magpie, parkour” to “Two Idiots and MJ”_ **

 

 

 **parkour:** yeah thats fair

 

 **parkour:** hi ned!!!!!

 

 

 **NedLeeds:** WOO GROUP CHAT

 

 

 **Magpie:** I immediately regret my actions.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you may think this is the end.... BUT YOU'D BE WRONG!
> 
> this work is a part of a series now!!! im currently working on a new fic with this fun trio because i wanted to include ned! i love him sm but couldnt find a way to insert him into this fic again by this point so i decided it would be easier to end this one off by having them start a group chat!!
> 
> next fic will have the same stupid content as this one, just with ned in the mix! so... triple the stupid shit!!
> 
> thank you so much for all the support on this fic <33333


End file.
